Being weak has it's benefits

Seventy-nine! There are currently seventy-nine of you taking the time to sit down and read all about my vagina and my story. So, I think it’s about time I shared this space with the woman who’s seen and heard it all, my Mum. So, hi Mum!

You’re probably wondering why I haven’t shared this blog with her yet and honestly, I don’t really have a straightforward answer for it. It’s an odd feeling to admit that it’s been easier to share the struggles and the effects of this condition to strangers and distant friends, rather than those super close to me. Of course, everything in this blog, my Mum will already be aware of, however I totally understand that seeing my hardest times written down, can be extremely hard for a Mum to read. I mean, nobody wants to hear that their child was super low and struggling, but don’t worry Mum, I’m fine, couldn’t be happier and couldn’t be anymore grateful for your support, then, now, and always.

Jumping right back to where we left off and its STD check time! Every STD you can think of, I was tested for, and of course, I was negative for each one. What happened next was the beginning of how I found myself spiralling toward the darkest place in my life. I took these results back to my doctor and from the moment I stepped foot into that room, a lot changed for me. My mindset, my drive, my hope, my motivation, my happiness and most importantly, me. So, there I was, stood in front of my doctor, over a year later, still in excruciating pain, asking for any answers at all that he could give me. Little did I know that the answer I got would be soul crushing. I was told that I was extremely stressed and that this was the reason ‘’in my head’’, as to why I was experiencing pain. I was then told that as it came on quite suddenly, to just ‘’leave it and it should go away on its own over time’’. Please feel free to go back and read that statement again if like me, you’re sat there in disbelief. As far as this doctor was concerned, I was a stress head who was wasting his time with my imaginary pain. Heartbroken doesn’t even come close to what I was feeling as I left the surgery and headed home. Hearing this from a ‘professional’ as a young twenty-year-old, can do one of two things. It can make you super motivated and willing to do whatever it takes to prove these people wrong and find the end to your pain, or it can absolutely crush you and leave you feeling lost, alone and hopeless. I am not ashamed to admit that by this point, option two was the only option I thought I had. It may make me come across as weak, and that’s okay, because in that moment, that’s exactly what I was. I began believing that I was stuck with this awful pain forever, I didn’t see an end, or a solution and I also began questioning myself as to whether my head really was making this up or not. I hated my body and I hated myself. The next three/four months between this moment and the moment in which I was finally diagnosed, flew by and everything that happened in – between felt like a blur but I cannot wait to share with you my biggest glow up of all.

I’ve always said I would keep this blog real, raw and honest so I will tell you that I am going to have to save the glow up for next week’s post, because I am struggling to wipe the tears from my eyes and the laptop keys. I am in such an incredibly happy place right now, but I also think its super important to allow yourself to reflect and remember the times when you weren’t. My tears right now are tears, of happiness, relief, anger and most importantly my tears remind me of how proud I am of myself.

Before I sign off, I wanted to mention that during this past week, I have had the pleasure of speaking with a couple of lovely girls who thanked me for sharing my story and were willing to share theirs. One of them was experiencing all the symptoms that I first suffered with and was currently undergoing tests, here, there, and everywhere but still had no answers. That was until she stumbled upon my blog. The gratitude and relief that she expressed to me, reminded me that my embarrassment and fear of creating this site, was totally worth every moment. I wont name her but thank you so much for sharing your story with me and I hope you don’t suffer for too much longer! This brings me onto a little project that I have been thinking about starting for a while now. I was reminded that, if things were different and I hadn’t been unfortunately plagued with this awful condition, I would most probably have no idea it even existed, just like most women out there. Although my blog is a start, I’m hoping to magnify the conversation surrounding women’s health and conditions like Vulvodynia, in hopes to create as much awareness as I possibly can. If you feel as passionately about this as I do, would like to share your story or are just interested in being a part of something raw, powerful and exiting then please feel free to drop me a message over on this sites Instagram – Vulvodyniaoverload, or you can email me – Tiffanyroche@hotmail.co.uk

Tiff x