Staying positive does not come easy when you’re waking up every day in pain and you have no clear end in sight, I know. Which is why I believe that this blog post may be the most important one to read.
Welcome back to week three of Vulvodynia Overload. I really wanted this week to focus on the help I received throughout this journey, emotionally instead of physically, because without a doubt, it is one of the most important factors when it comes to surviving.
But first, just a quick update on where the story was left last week – I agreed to take the treatment for a bacterial infection (although numerous tests had shown I was not suffering with this). But honestly, I would have tried ANYTHING and EVERYTHING at that point to end the pain I was feeling. Whilst trying out this treatment, I went on holiday with the in – laws to the south of France. For any normal twenty-year-old, this would have been extremely exciting. Sun, sea, pools, booze, good food, adventures, but for me during this time, I was absolutely dreading it. A whole week of hiding what I was feeling and painting a smile across my face was exhausting from the minute I began thinking about it. Another memorable trip for me, ruined, because I couldn’t relax and enjoy the experience due to the pain, I was in. And then came the guilt of not wanting to ruin the trip for my boyfriend with my secret complaining and low mood. Don’t get me wrong, it was a lovely time and we had a lovely holiday, there were times when the pain wasn’t too bad and there were many experiences that enabled me to focus my attention on other things for a while. Looking back on those times, not a single soul would have any idea that I was suffering at all. I always joked, laughed, and smiled, and to this day, I truly believe it has made me the strongest version of me. (But trust me when I say, it takes time, and if you’re not there yet, fake it till you make it Hun’s) And whatever you do, stick to your guts and don’t agree to treatments if you know the thing they claim to treat, is not what you have, as this will just prolong your suffering. Upon returning home and finishing the treatment (which of course did not work), I headed back to the doctors and this is where the fun really starts, you will not want to miss this I promise.
So back to what this post is about. Having an amazing support system is probably the main reason as to why I am still here today, writing this blog. I was low, so, so low. I had seen countless amounts of doctors and specialists by the time it hit September 2019 and the pain was getting worse. I had lost all my energy, motivation, my excitement, and my happiness in general. I was losing me, and I hated it. Even the task of showering and getting dressed terrified me and if I could avoid it, that’s what I did. I just could not deal with the intense pain my clothing would bring. There were times when I just couldn’t take it anymore. I lay in bed at night, sobbing, just wishing that I wouldn’t wake up the next day. It was such a scary place to be. That’s where my support system came in, in the form of my family, friends and my main support, my boyfriend.
I come from a very close and comfortable family which is the biggest blessing when it comes to things like this. I was able to go straight to my parents once I realised that something was wrong, and the pain was not getting any better. My parents were a huge support for me, taking me to and from appointments, researching new medications to help me and always being at the end of the phone when I needed a cry and a rant. I also had the greatest friends that I was able to confide in, who didn’t make me feel embarrassed and were always happy to lend an ear. The biggest support of all, the one person who really went through it with me, was my boyfriend. I cannot explain how much this wonderful person means to me. I owe him absolutely everything for the love, support, and kindness he has shown to me before, during and after vulvodynia. I won’t name him (for his sake, he absolutely hates social media) but if you know me, you already know how amazing this guy is.
So, this is where the blog gets a little soppy. (Feel free to close it down and come back next week where the story continues). 6 years ago, at the age of 15, I began dating the opposite of what I thought I wanted. I thought I wanted the popular guy, the football guy, the guy with a new girl every other month (as you do at the age of 15), oh how wrong was I. I had the biggest crush on the quiet guy, the music room guy, the dedicated to his grades guy, the guy who couldn’t care less about being popular at all, and I can honestly hand on heart say, it was the best decision I ever made. 6 years on and he is still my very best friend, the person who makes me laugh daily, the reason behind my happiest of days. Throughout the last 6 years we have grown together as well as individually and achieved so much. We survived our teen years, we survived 3 years of long distance and we’ve just survived a year of lockdown and a year of living together. I couldn’t be any prouder of us.
Vulvodynia affects the most intimate part of your body and so of course affects the most intimate part of your relationship. I couldn’t event think of having sex let alone doing it. I also struggled with being romantic due to this condition and just never wanted to be touched in any way, even cuddling close together had me on edge. We lost the intimacy and the closeness we once had and we both ended up feeling completely alone. When you hear ‘chronic pain condition’, you don’t understand the behind the doors effects it has, not just on the person suffering, but on the people around them. We have always had a very open and honest relationship so thanks to online support groups and hours and hours of research (mostly done by my lovely boyfriend), we found a way to regain intimacy whilst also ensuring I wasn’t in pain or uncomfortable. (You’ll be happy to know, that sex is no longer a issue for us and we most definitely made up for lost time).
When you’re suffering emotionally and physically, its true that you need somebody to sympathise with you and be your shoulder to cry on, but you also need somebody to remind you of the incredibly strong person you are and that the only way you’ll ever be better is if you make it better. That’s the type of support system I had.
The support I received first-hand really has inspired me to want to be that person for everybody/anybody who is suffering, not just with this specific condition, but any sort of suffering they may be facing. As I’ve said before, please don’t suffer in silence, please don’t feel like you’re alone, because from my experience, if you finally reach out, you will come across others who know exactly what you are going through. My emails are always open.
Tiff x
コメント